Most people desire a quiet outdoors camping experience. They head to the great outdoors to unplug from society and gain some perspective. If you want to be a jerk you can really mess with them and here’s how.
Use the great outdoors as your personal megaphone.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Hell yeah, it does! And that means you need to make noise too! Down some beers, grab that hatchet from the supplies tub and dance around the campfire chanting, like the white man in Dances with Wolves. Afterall there is totally nothing racist about that. Yell all you want buddy, it’s all good! Drink yourself to oblivion and then try to find your tent in the dark.
High beams FTW!
Not those high beams. Get your mind out of the gutter. Campgrounds are dark, turn those bright lights on baby. “HAHA look at those suckers whose tent site is right at the bend of the curve.” “Hey, here’s an idea, let’s make three passes through the campground and blind them all!!”
Be a DJ for everyone in the campsite
Get the party started right. Show up with your windows down and volume up so everyone knows the krewe has arrived and it is time to par-tay. Don’t forget the Bluetooth speaker for the campsite. Turn the volume all the way up just like at the beach.
Score one for the children of the Corn
Here’s a fun game to teach the kids. One point for every person they almost knock down with their bicycle. Two points for every knockdown and three points for shin and palm bleeders! This is also a great way to test the brake systems on vehicles when your child darts out in front of it. And the best thing ever is to tell the kiddies all about Jason Voorhees right before bedtime so that they scream and cry for hours.
Check-in any time you like because you are high king
Best thing ever is to show up at 7 PM drop everything off and then leave for a night on the town. Get some food and booze in ya and then head back to the campground with your high beams on and begin to set up camp. Make sure you drop everything you pick up at least once. Make sure you talk loudly and giggle. Please make sure you cut up some wood and hammer in your stakes. And the best way to piss off your neighbor. Please please please keep locking and unlocking your car doors *beep beep*.
Be completely oblivious
Now, this part is crucial. Let things settle down to a peaceful calm and then at 2AM raise all holy hell when a thunderstorm topples down. Everyone is all nice and snug in their tents, but you are running around outside screaming about the rain and lack of rain flap. Make sure you use a lot of swear words then giggle. Say a few more swear words as you fidget with the car keys and beep beep, click click, then slam the car door. Look out the truck window and wonder how many people you pissed off just now and grin. It only took you getting a wee bit cold and wet. It was totally worth having to spend the remainder of the night in the truck. YEAH!
Release the Hounds!
This is a 3 step processes. 1.) Two humans + Two dogs + 2-person tent. Make sure to yell at the dog when it doesn’t have anywhere to lie. “Scoot’um lay down,” “Scoot’um lay DOWN” “Scoot’um LAY DOWN!” 2.) at 2AM stake Scoot down outside where he whines at the tent flap. Who cares, he’s just a dog. Right? 3.) leave him outside as the rain starts to fall. Just wait until your neighbors breathe in the smell of wet pooch.
Give your neighbors a live action show. As Marvin Gaye would say, “Let’s Get it On.” Be very loud in your tent or yurt, after all, they are not soundproof, and and the lantern shows off your silhouette quite nicely.
No trash can? No problem!
You really want to get someone’s goat. Leave your bottles and cans lying around on a hiking trail or in a campsite. An added bonus is when a nature lover goes to pick up the trash, and a spider crawls out of it and right up their hand! The marine life doesn’t really like it when you pollute their habitat, but that is why we have zoologist, conservationists and park rangers. Trash up the place, so they have something to do already!
Be a night owl
PLEASE go on a nighttime hike with a flashlight. It is entirely safe after all, there are no cliffs, ravines, holes or logs for you to fall over or into. Seeing that you are using a flashlight go ahead and shine it into others campsites and tents. They will love it. While you’re at it, hang a crap ton of lights all over your campsite so that they shine in your neighbor’s tent at night. That will really get em!
Or how about a morning glory
After staying out late climbing out of the ravine, you fell into, make sure you get an early 6 AM start. Bang those pots and get that bacon cooking. No one wanted to sleep until say, 7AM really, right?
Get up close and personal with your neighbors
You have 25 open spots. There are 3 other families camping. Make sure you plop down right beside one of them to get the most out of the annoyance game. This happens in other places, why not here too? Examples: You are the only vehicle in a parking lot: 2 cars enter and park on either side of you. You sit down in an empty room, as others enter they come and sit in front of or directly behind you. This is fun! Do it here too! Make them start screaming, “WHY?!? SPREAD out! Back the hell off! WHY are you on top of me?! I am smothering!!!”
I’ve got the power!
This is a good one. Pick a nonelectric tent site and then bring a loud ass generator and let it run all day and all night! SCORE! The other people who picked a nonelectric definitely want to unplug from the world for a weekend, this will really get them.
There is no such thing as “personal” space.
Totally take that shortcut through someone’s campsite to get to the water’s edge. Make sure you carry your kayak with ya! It’s fun stuff to knock all their crap off the table as you go!
The bathroom is the new kitchen sink!
Sure it may be unsanitary but do it anyway. Leave food chunks lying in the basin. I dare you!
If you do all these, you are 100% guaranteed to win the campground golden douchenozzle award so get started today!
Don’t try this at a campground near me and Keep the Lust for Wandering Y’all!
P.S. I have witnessed every single one of these and was not amused, especially about the spider that ran up my hand when I picked up a can discarded on a trail. Do you have horror stories? Share them with me.